Fun with scam artists

I had fun this week with a Nigerian scam artist who had stolen the e-mail account of a local gentleman named Craig Garrett. I got the scammer to promise to do some outrageous things in exchange for a promise of money, which of course I never delivered. You can tell the guy (supposedly an American) isn't exactly up on American culture. There's additional detail at http://www.stubblebuzz.com/ and here too, but if you just want to read the entire two-day exchange, here it is. Evil Craig agreed to increasingly hilarious and bizarre requests just to keep his fish on the hook:

ME: Craig, please tell me where to send the money. I can scrape together a few hundred dollars.

NOT CRAIG : Thanks for the email and your help. I Knew i could Count on you. I will like you to send the money via Western Union Money Transfer. Please the money Should be sent in the name of the hotel management because of the loss of my passport.
Receiver Name: OLASOJI PEREZ
Address: Eko Hotel & suites, room 6, Adetokunbo Ademola Street
State: Lagos
Country: Nigeria
Zip Code: 23401
Please As soon as you send the Money i will like you to email me the Below Details as Follows...
Full Sender Name:
MTCN#:
Sender Country:
Amount Sent:
After I receive the money I will email you on the arrangements to get back home. Thanks once again and I hope to hear from you soon.
your friend, Craig .

ME: OK, I have to run some errands and then I can go to the bank. I only have $600 I can give right now but I will ask Tony if he can spare some also. Can you wait a few more hours. I am so sorry you are going through this. How did it happen? Were you drunk again? Is Matilda with you?

NOT CRAIG: Hello,
Thank you for the mail, I will be waiting to read from you with the western union information so that i can be able to get out of this mess.

ME: The Western Union on Spongebob Boulevard has been closed down for some reason but the mookie told me the one in Legoland is still open so I will go there to-night. You do not have to pay me back, because you remember I never paid you for slaughtering my cow last year. Our freezer is still very full. Thank you. Is Matilda OK? We are very worried.

NOT CRAIG: Hello,
Thank, Can you pls try and find another western union location?

ME: OK, will hurry. Dont worry. Love to Matilda.

NOT CRAIG: Ok i will be waiting for you bcos i have no access to phone right now.

ME: Craig, Uncle Fester said he can send $20 but I told him that is not enough, please try to get more. So he said he will ask Colonel Sanders to help. Harvey Hall said he has $400 but is worried about sending all the way to Nigeria. Can you send a photo of hotel manager so he does not worry about sending money? I still can not find Tony.

NOT CRAIG: Hello,
Thank you for the mail, I dont have photo of hotel manager. After I receive the money I will email you on the arrangements to get back home. your friend, Craig .

ME: Harvey said that is OK, he will give me $400 to send to you, but you must help him build a fence when you get back to keep the neighbor’s llama from coming into his yard and eating his rutabagas. Is that OK?

NOT CRAIG: Ok , No problem, I will be waiting for the western union details.

NOT CRAIG: Hello,
Am still here waiting for you pls get back to me now so that i can get out of this mess.
your friend, Craig .

ME: Sorry, Craig, I have been out most of the day collecting money to send to you. You know Frank, your friend who rides that bicycle around all day and screams at children? He doesn’t have any money, but he is worried about you, so he baked two loaves of pumpkin bread and put it in the regular post to your address at the hotel in Lagos. You should get it in two weeks. Please be careful when you eat it. You know what happened the last time he baked pumpkin bread. Hopefully you will be home by then.
Uncle Fester gave me $22 but it is all in nickels. I think Western Union will accept it. He said he will only let me send it to you if you agree to let him take your photograph for his calendar. It is the Buttonwillow Alfalfa Cooperative’s 2010 calendar. He wants you only wearing underwear and suspenders. You can have your choice of April or September. Is that OK?
I have $682. If I can find Tony I am sure he will give me more, maybe $400.

NOT CRAIG: Hello,
Thank you for the mail, You can go ahead and send the $682 and when you see tony you send what ever tony give you, Just go ahead and send the money now bcos i have not eat anything since morning pls do not let me die here, I will be waiting for you the western union information.
your friend, Craig .

ME: OK, I will stop waiting for Tony. Western Union is almost closing. What about the photograph for Uncle Fester’s calendar? He is standing here now asking me. He says boxer shorts are OK.

NOT CRAIG: Yes Boxer shorts is ok but let me get home first and will talk about it, Pls am not happy here just try and help me out so that i can get out of this mess. I will be waiting for the western union info.

NOT CRAIG: Hello,
Pls get back to me am still waiting for the information , Pls do not let me die here pls.

ME: Last night we drove all the way to Legoland to the Western Union and it was just not closed, it was out of business. We called your cousin, Joe Biden, to ask if there is a Western Union in Buttonwillow and he said there was so we will go there today. Tony came home and said he could send $200 but he said it is weird, he just saw you at Der Weinerschnitzel three days ago eating a corndog with Rush Limbaugh. Was that you? We didn’t even know you cared that much about HIV/AIDS but we think it is a very good thing.

NOT CRAIG: Hello,
Thank you for the mail, I will be waiting for the western union information , Pls i need to get out of this mess pls.

ME: Still trying to get up to $1050, almost have enough. I have decided to sell my Ford Pinto to get the rest of the money. Thurston Howell says he will give me $600 for it, but I have to agree to date his cousin Lois. I don’t want to date Lois. Lois looks like Danny DeVito. If I sell my Pinto to Thurston, will you take Lois off my hands. Just take her to the movies one time. I don’t think you would have to kiss her or anything. Also, can I borrow your car. OK?

NOT CRAIG: Hello,
Thank you for the mail, One of my friend send me $1000 today so i want you to go ahead and send the $1050 now to complete the money, Pls do that now before western union close here in nigeria so that the manager can be able to pick it up today so by tomorrow i will be prepare to get back home.
your friend, Craig .

ME: OK, taking the car to Thurston. Will you take Lois to the movies.

NOT CRAIG: Pls get this money send out now am not happy here pls.

ME: You won’t have to kiss her

NOT CRAIG: Dont worry about her, Just send the money and let me get out of this mess and when i come back i will make sure i make her happy

NOT CRAIG: Hello,
Did you got my last email, Pls write me back so that i can know what is going on pls am not happy here . your friend, Craig .

ME: Who is this? The real Craig Garrett just showed up . he had been visiting his mother in pixley and boy is he mad. Frank wants his pumpkin bread back, send it right now. You would have liked Lois too, shes not that bad

ME: Frank says keep the bread he just wants his pan back

ME: Lois would still like to meet you